(02) expanding exponentially
Ancient optimizations on lumber production, emotional intimacy, vitriol for asking "how are you", pretending I'm 90 and wishing I was today year's old, and poems from the archives
🧠 first draft emotions + other therapies:
This week when I found my [anxiously attached] feelings grabbing a chokehold on my nerves [it happens a lot], I practiced pretended I was 90 years old and re-telling the imagined 60 year old story of what was currently happening. I leaned in all the way – closed my eyes and imagined my hands were wrinkled and how my aged face looked while talking about “that one time I wanted something from someone and didn’t get it”. It brought about a swift halt to the spiral, and replaced it with a nostalgia I didn’t actually know, as well as fondness for that someone for still being my friend after all these years [in my made-up 90 year old universe]. I spiraled a lot less this week due to this prompt, and ended up a tinge happier + experienced less emotional drama.
A friend mentioned his young daughter was “learning handwriting with a calligraphy focus, although it’s quite a useless skill in this digital age” and it struck me. My immediate response was longing – I miss my only job being learning interesting new useless things for fun, which was what homework was to me as a kid. As adults, we really do have to protect holding space for learning new stuff for fun, unless we’re fortunate enough to make it our job.
Trip down memory lane: tumblr reminded me that I need to log in or lose my “Office Haiku” name forever. I started this mini-blog back when I worked in a terribly uninspiring cubicle and would just rage out my feelings in the form of haiku. I got a couple people to contribute and it still makes me laugh to revisit.
✨ learnings + unlearnings
Daisugi // a 600 year old Japanese technique of growing an entire forest on a single tree… expanding exponentially.
Photo by @benjaminbeech Emotional intimacy // Dr. Nicole LePera shares 4 types of questions that help build emotional intimacy in relationships:
Feeling questions: When’s the last time you felt inspired? When do you feel most connected to me?
Interest questions: What’s something you’re really interested in right now? What have you recently learned about yourself?
Future questions: What area of your life do you think will look most different in 5 years? What’s something you want more of in your life?
Play questions: What new hobby do you want to try but don’t know where to start? If you had to watch one movie 10 times, what would it be?
“How are you” becomes trite so quickly.
✨ flash obsession
~ A paralyzing dive I went on this week where nothing else mattered except this topic for a very brief moment in time ~
The abandoned mini castles of Burj Al Babas in Turkey
Somewhere in Northwest Turkey, a couple hours off the coast of the Black Sea, is an abandoned development of 500+ mini identical castles in a town called Bolu, complete with hot springs as hot as 150°F running underneath and around the area. The original plan (with 2,500 people working on it) was to finish the entire housing project in 4 years, and initially looked to be a hit with half of the castles pre-sold upfront. Fast forward 4 years though and the other half didn’t end up selling, the project + developer went bankrupt, and none of the homes were actually finished. I daydreamed for a bit about living here with all of my friends.
⭐️ the delight of validation
~ what is life without words of affirmation?! ~
The thrill of subscribers… finally coming close to the 2009 to 2016-ish era of the unmatchable avalanches of the serotonin induced JOY of hundreds of Facebook birthday messages on your public timeline during a 24 hour period, rocket fueling my manic energy + urgency to answer each one in a hyper personalized way. That whole annual interaction back then really solidified 90% of my personality:
wanting and getting copious amounts of attention
delicious delivery for the need for public validation
heightened sensation of anticipation + tradition
💌 sad poems from the archives
~ that i’ve never really shared before ~
🚧 disclaimer: these are snippets of thought, throughout the many years.
some born from me, some borrowed, some real, some made-up.
there is no order, or timelines, or dates, or names – on purpose. ⤵️
He asks how are you. How am I…
This is not a discussion point I enjoy facing.
But let me try.
I’m barely hanging by an ever fraying thread that mercilessly won’t just snap already. Instead, it’s wound tight around my throat,
a gentle reminder that it will be slightly suffocating me until I get the energy,
or the courage,
to remove it.
It won’t do it for me, I’ll have to discard myself.
It’ll break, and I’ll fall to whatever depths awaits me –
not that it will bring relief there, either.
I’ll just be a discarded piece of trash, worn thin, useless.
In the meantime, this thread is allowing to continue a weird confusing life,
full of once-wonderful plans that just fizzle.
Full of hopes that just die.
Full of painful details that act as reminders that I’m self abandoning.
a small toiletry bag in a bathroom.
Can I get no respite?
Plans are futile, set flippantly but with truly zero importance or dependability.
I can’t plan anything to look forward to because they simply don’t happen.
They won’t.
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